Common Pitfalls to Opening a Relationship
Opening up a relationship to explore ethical non-monogamy can be a profound journey, filled with new possibilities, enriching connections, and personal growth. However, as with any adventure, there are challenges and pitfalls to navigate along the way. Here are some of the common hurdles that individuals and couples often encounter as they embark on this journey. Whether you're considering this exploration or are already on this path, my aim is to help you navigate these new dynamics with wisdom and compassion. This is a list of some of the most common pitfalls, with examples that are an amalgamation of real people’s stories.
Inadequate Communication
Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. Open and honest communication is even more vital when multiple people are involved. One of the most common pitfalls when opening a new relationship is having inadequate communication. If you are struggling to communicate effectively with your partner before opening your relationship, it will likely only get more challenging as more emotions and people are involved. Seeking couples therapy can help unlock better communication patterns so that you don’t run into this pitfall. It is important that you feel safe and able to communicate your desires, boundaries, and expectations. Effective communication fosters trust, empathy, and understanding among all parties, enabling them to navigate the complexities of non-monogamy with respect and mutual consent.
Toby and Jordan opened their relationship without talking about rules, boundaries, and agreements. They were on different pages about what they wanted from outside relationships and how the structure of their relationship would look. Neither of them felt comfortable talking openly and honestly about feelings, desires, and expectations because it always led to a fight. When they did communicate, it wasn’t always honest, because they were trying to protect each other’s feelings. This led to confusion and broken promises.
Unrealistic Expectations
When opening up a relationship, people often have very specific expectations for what they want things to look like. A couple might want to seek out a “third” and hope that that person will like them both equally. There might be an expectation that all parties involved will have the same level of emotional investment and experience equal levels of love and affection. If dating separately, there might be an expectation that you will have equal success in finding other partners. Maybe there is a belief that there will not be any feelings of jealousy and insecurity, but those feelings show up. There might be expectations that a new person will meet a specific need without having needs of their own. It is important to remember that each relationship dynamic is unique, and having unrealistic expectations like these can lead to disappointment or heartbreak.
Charlie and Blair opened their relationship looking for a “third” to “complete” their relationship. They were disappointed to learn that this is much harder than they expected. Even when they found someone that they were both attracted to, that person was not attracted to both of them. After deciding to date separately, Blair had much more success finding other partners, and Charlie felt left out and disappointed.
Inability to Decouple
Being in an ethically non-monogamous relationship can present unique challenges, especially if one is in a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependency often involves an excessive emotional reliance on one person, making it difficult to share that connection with multiple partners. The fear of losing the primary bond or jealousies that may arise can intensify the insecurities already present in very enmeshed couple dynamics. Decoupling in ethical non-monogamy is vital for fostering healthy and respectful relationships. By de-coupling, individuals are encouraged to separate their own self-worth and emotional fulfillment from the exclusivity of their partnerships. This allows for a greater emphasis on personal growth, open communication, and the freedom to explore connections beyond the confines of traditional monogamy. Decoupling enables individuals to prioritize their own happiness and actively challenge societal norms surrounding love and relationships. Moreover, it promotes a culture of trust and respect, where autonomy and consent are paramount. By consciously de-coupling, ethical non-monogamy practitioners can develop deep, authentic connections while fostering a supportive and inclusive community. If you are unable to de-couple, you may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, which are crucial in navigating multiple partnerships.
Alex and Sam have been in a relationship for many years, and they love doing everything together. Alex recently discovered ethical non-monogamy and identifies strongly with it. Sam doesn’t want to do anything without Alex, so they decide to date together. Sam has intense emotions every time that they share a sexual experience, and the other people involved repeatedly decide to break up with this couple. Alex grows resentful of Sam’s emotional outbursts and overwhelm.
Neglecting Existing Relationships
While in the midst of new relationship energy (NRE), neglecting existing relationships can be unintentional, but very common. Forging and maintaining multiple intimate connections requires conscious effort, open communication, and active engagement. If one is unable to nurture the existing relationship, it can lead to feelings of neglect, insecurity, and emotional detachment. It is crucial to prioritize the needs and well-being of all partners involved, ensuring that existing relationships receive ongoing care, nurture, and attention to foster a healthy and harmonious dynamic.
When Toby started dating someone new, the NRE was intense. Toby started going above and beyond for this new person, but left Jordan feeling neglected. When Jordan would bring something up that was particularly hurtful, Toby pushed it aside with the expectation that Jordan would manage those feelings without any changes. Jordan asked for things to slow down, but Toby didn’t want to and continued. Their fights got worse the more this dynamic played out.
Inability to Manage Jealousy and Insecurity
Managing jealousy and insecurity in ethical non-monogamous relationships requires open communication, trust, and self-reflection. Understanding that jealousy is a natural emotion and not something to be ashamed of is crucial. If someone goes into an ethically non-monogamous relationship without addressing the underlying root causes of insecurity, it can lead to unexpected emotional outbursts. When someone uses their emotions as a weapon against a partner, it can lead to resentment and lack of trust. Engaging in honest conversations with partners about fears and boundaries helps establish a solid foundation of trust. Regular check-ins and reassurance can alleviate insecurities and foster a sense of security within the relationship. Additionally, practicing self-care, cultivating individual interests, and seeking support from external resources, such as therapists or support groups, can be beneficial in managing jealousy and insecurity effectively within ethically non-monogamous relationships.
Sam has intense feelings of jealousy and insecurity everytime Alex is with someone else. This comes out as emotional outbursts and often anger. It creates a rift between Sam and Alex and Alex eventually becomes apathetic to Sam’s feelings. The less Alex seems to care, the worse the feelings of insecurity and jealousy get.
Ignoring Individual Needs
Focusing too much on the needs and desires of other partners while neglecting your own can be a pitfall. It's essential to consider your individual needs and well-being and communicate them to your partners. Neglecting self-care can lead to emotional burnout and dissatisfaction. Over-scheduling, doing things that cross your boundaries, neglecting personal responsibilities, and not speaking up when there is a problem are all examples of ignoring your individual needs.
Blair has been dating many new people and wants to give each of them time and attention, but has not had a chance to take care of personal responsibilities at home. Laundry, dishes, and other chores are piling up, and Blair has barely had any alone time in weeks. Blair is noticing a lot of feelings of irritation and frustration, especially toward Charlie. This is causing a lot of friction at home, leading to Blair wanting to be away from home more often.
Assuming Non-Monogamy Solves Relationship Issues
Non-monogamy is not a magical remedy that automatically resolves all problems within a relationship. It requires open and honest communication, extensive self-reflection, and a deep understanding of oneself and one's partners. Assuming that non-monogamy will fix existing issues can overlook underlying problems, such as unhealthy relationship dynamics, unresolved emotional baggage, or poor communication skills. Opening a relationship will often exacerbate problems in relationships instead of fixing them. Rather than solely relying on non-monogamy as a quick fix, it is essential to address relationship challenges through intentional and honest dialogue to ensure a healthy and thriving ethically non-monogamous dynamic.
Toby and Jordan had been having issues within their relationship before opening their relationship. There were years of built up resentment and some very unhealthy patterns around communication and other relationship dynamics. When they opened their relationship, they hoped that it would help ease the strain that they were both feeling from having very different sex drives, but their problems got worse when they opened their relationship because they didn’t work on those problems first.
Navigating the world of open relationships can be both exciting and challenging. By being mindful of the common pitfalls, one can better equip themself to build strong and fulfilling connections with their partners. Honesty, communication, and setting clear boundaries are crucial to maintaining a healthy open relationship. Remember, no relationship is without its obstacles, but with patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth, opening a relationship can lead to a deeper level of trust, love, and personal fulfillment for all involved. If you are struggling with any of these obstacles currently and need extra support, reach out to a therapist or counselor for guidance.